Raw Mind Zen

Right Attitude

2011-10-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

A talk on Right Attitude by Ely Kugo DesJardins at Open Mind Zen Center in Tulsa, OK

Unattached and Non-Resistant

2011-06-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

In Zen we talk about no self and freedom from suffering, but what are these things? What is no self, really, and why are we suffering from a self? In order to answer these questions we must seek for them through our experience or else they are just nihilistic terms that have no actual weight in the reality of our everyday lives. We must embody the everyday reality in order to realize no self and no suffering.

When I talk about Raw Mind I say that it is all inclusive. This means that there is nothing to experience as self and nothing to experience as not self. This does not mean that there is no experience. If there were nothing to experience than there would be no reason to do zazen and no reason for us to say anything about freedom at all. It is true that there is nothing to learn in Zen but this doesn't mean that there is nothing to unlearn.

I spend a lot of my time in zazen unlearning. I heard that Master Rinzai said zazen is nothing more than untying knots and breaking down barriers. Last March while I was in Florida for retreat I was able to get there a day early and have day of zazen to myself. Afterwards I met with Sensei and we discussed my day. I told him that I was working with doubt all day. When he asked me what I meant by doubt I told him that I meant a sort of self doubt. A way of experience that fundamentally says,"I doubt I am that, I doubt I am this." I don't actually hear a voice or notice a thought that tells me this, rather I recognize that it's ultimately what I'm experiencing on an unconscious level. I can tell this by my karma. Now the word karma means action. So what I mean is that when something arises in zazen, say a sensation or a thought, a corresponding action wants to arise. This is an indication of the way I am experiencing my zazen. The action is motivated by an emotion which is fueled by an idea or concept. Which is why we experience pain and tension in zazen when we are emotional. It is these ideas and concepts which create separation, which create a separate self. Thus we can say it is the wheel of karma that keeps us suffering time and time again. Maybe now it is a little clearer why JUST sitting, or non action is the way out of the the wheel of karma. By working with karma I am ultimately working with doubt which means I am letting go of the notion of a limited separate self.

It is very interesting to see how this plays out in relationships. It is one thing to be one with the sound of a temple bell but another to be one with another human being. Recently my father had a stroke. One would think that my dominate emotion in this situation would be one of concern or maybe some fear. But if I am honest I will say that is was anger that was dominate. Because of my practice I was able to get close to my anger and examine it to see what the root was. Of course there was the reasoning that said," It's his fault. He doesn't take care of himself. For only being 60 yrs. old and already having three strokes!?!?!?! He sure is in bad shape." All this reasoning just made me more angry and wasn't helping with anything. It's funny actually, the only time we can reason with something is when it has already happened in one way or another. So it never really helps with anything rather it tries to change the way we feel about it. Which is exactly what it was doing for me in this case. I didn't want to feel this instance with my father. I didn't want to change the way I felt about him. The anger I felt towards my father was a resistance which kept his vulnerability from penetrating my being. I didn't want to be vulnerable. After he was released from the hospital I was able to speak with him on the phone. By the mere sound of his voice I was then able to allow him in and I became vulnerable. This is when I was able to just love him for who he is and the situation he is in. No judgments and no reason.

Suffering is the inability to embody a given moment due to the self and its reason, ideas and concepts. No Self is the shedding of these reasons, ideas and concepts which throw us into an automatic emergence with the present moment, thus freeing us from the suffering of our inflexibility. No Self is definitely something though you cannot put your finger on it and suffering is that which points the finger.

Everything is a Koan

2011-03-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

I am between gates at this point of my practice. I have finished a list of koans, and am sitting without koans for three months before starting on the Mumonkan. This period has left me to reflect on what the practice of koans really is. I have felt a sense of accomplishment from solving them, and I have had some eye openers. I have acquired a certain way of looking at things in order to answer them. The question is, can I make this skill applicable? Can I see the natural koans arising within each moment?

To work with a koan, one learns to drop the story of it. The story that is evoked from logic, which is based on dualism. In short, the ego perspective. The ego perspective is not wrong, just incomplete, or out of balance. Each one of us has our own story, and this can be quite beautiful. It can also be full of pain and suffering. Even if it is not so bad, comparatively, if left out of balance it is bound for suffering. The reason for this is because the ego is limited, and small. This feeling of limitation leads to the need to be in control. In control of what? In control of reality. Everything has its place, has its role to play. If a shift begins, which always does, then this egocentric perspective is threatened. This is caused by the sense of identity being fixed on a moment in time, of which is gone. We need to allow the ego to pass away and be reborn again in a new light. We must learn to look at things a different way in order for this balance, this awakening to occur. Therefore we have the practice of koans.

The Raw Mind perspective is all inclusive due to the fact that it does not have a fixed sense of self. It is amazing to me, when doing zazen, how the ego is constantly grasping on to each object as it arises, and letting go can be very difficult. I remember when I was working on Mu. One night after a sitting, I went to bed. After being asleep for awhile I suddenly woke up, and the ego had completely let go. Well maybe not completely, but enough for me to truly loose my sense of identity. I was everything that crossed my mind. My sense of self was floating around so fast that I really had no idea who I was. Then this huge feeling of fear came up. I quickly gained "control" of the situation and was able to calm down. Later I discussed this with my teacher. "It was like having an identity crisis", I said. "Zen is the ultimate identity crisis", he said. Eventually I have learned to sort ask the ego permission to let go. After all I do not want to get rid of the ego, just balance out the perspective. This has completely changed the way I sit. It can be very nice. When I hear the clock ticking, I am ticking. The chirping of a bird, I am chirping. There is no need for anything to be any different. There is nothing more to see, and that's the beauty of it. There is truly nothing else to find out. Everything is perfect.

My marriage, my job, friendships, the car I drive, my income, a cup of coffee. These are all koans, I am a koan. They all threaten to cloud me with doubt, yet all are speaking the dharma.
When looked at through the eyes of doubt........ "I want more, or I need less." The Raw Mind just sees. When they're here, they are here. When they are gone, they're gone. No lamentation or lust. Why would you lust after yourself anyway? This is not to say I wouldn't be sad if my wife was gone, but that I don't want anymore from her than she is. I would be sad. I would be so sad that I would be happy being sad. Whats wrong with being sad?

Koans show me what I already have, what I already am. The practice of koans reject all doubt.
Which results in freedom. The freedom to laugh. The freedom to cry. The freedom to love.

One and Two

2011-01-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

How often do we find ourselves stuck in a way of perceiving a thing, others or self? Certainly it helps to see the deficiency of my bank account if it motivates my to get to work or ask for that raise I have been long overdue for. Perhaps it also would be beneficial to be content with my financial status if I become obsessed about it. It would even better if we had the freedom to use both sides of the coin when ever we deemed necessary. When I say both sides of the coin I am not secluding myself to my bank account. I am also referring to the way we view the entire universe. And when I say view, I am not meaning an idea or belief. I'm not talking about a fake way of existence. I mean something we can feel, something we can be.

From the moment we are born, the moment we become separate, we long to reconnect to our empty nature, our unborn state, yet we cry and claim our indiviDUALITY. Nothingness is constantly calling for us and yet answering sustains the ego. We may then say that one is not two and two is not one, but this is a misunderstanding. We may go on to say that duality comes from unity or that unity is only possible through duality. Again this is not true understanding.

Here is a Poem from the Mumonkan;

If you understand "it," all things are One.

If you do not, they are different and separate.

If you do not understand "it," all things are One.

If you do, they are different and separate.

It may seem here that the emphasis is on Oneness, but if you look closer it is also about things being different and separate. Be that as it may, what is "it?" In order for the practice of Zen to be worth it's salt. It must manifest into our flesh and bones. We must have the freedom and confidence to embody "it" at all times. This means embracing one and two.

If you have ever witnessed a baby crying you may have notice the freedom in the which she did so. It seems to me that this is the original state of the ego and it is not until later that it learns to be ashamed. Due to our environmental influences, as children, we begin to take doubt in one form or another. This means we deny our ego. We deny our self. This causes us to live, if that's what you want to call it, not in a dualistic state but in a state of insecurity. I am not referring to a healthy type of insecurity, say the type that causes you to wear a seat belt, rather a type that effects the state of being. A fear so strong that you seize to live. It is one thing to have enough fear so that you put on your seat belt, but another to have so much fear that you cannot drive. So the practice of Zen is not to loose fear but to feel confidence in fear. This is when fear flows and transforms. When "it" becomes alive.

I have become very interested in energy. At our Zen and Breath Monthly retreats we incorporate some breath work. Breathing is directly linked to the flow of energy through our bodies. The exercise is very powerful and I get many positive responses from it. I myself have have had very strong experiences from it hence my my interest in "it." Recently I took a Level 1 Reiki class. I have been wanting to see if I can sense my own and others energy in order to work with it on a therapeutic level.

It was an all day attunement as they say. The initial message I got was, Reiki is Love. I thought, "Oh how lovely." During my first attunement I remember trying to feel, trying to sense this Reiki. It was quite interesting trying to sense something that is beyond my senses. But then I thought, "this is no different from my Zen practice." I even said to Ruth the Reiki Master, "this feels like Zen." She didn't understand what I meant. During the second attunement I went into this Samadhi and really felt the presence of love. Then a light went off, "Reiki is Love!" Then I thought, "What is Love?" Its funny now that I think about it. "Energy" or "Reiki" has been this big Koan for me and I didn't even realize it. All this time I have been thinking energy this, reiki that. As if it was something different, or something I need to understand. But I have known it all along."It's" not different at all.

We can give love. We can receive love. And we can be love. Not at separate moments, but with an awareness that integrates them all in the same present moment.

Unconscious Stress Epidemic

2011-01-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

If you Google stress you will find 160 million findings. Over two thirds of doctors' visits are stress related. Stress aggravates conditions such as alcoholism, drug abuse, obesity, diabetes, domestic violence, and many more. Inefficiencies in businesses caused by low morale, frequent illnesses, and high employee turnover rate are all costly products of stress. Stress is a simultaneous internal and external attack on humanity's well being, or dhukka, as the Buddha called it. It would safe to say that most of us are suffering from chronic stress. This explains why we experience so much tension and physical pain during zazen.

When we say stress we are referring to a compilation of negative emotions and physical discomfort. We need to understand it more clearly if we are going to work it ourselves. Selye published a model dividing stress into two parts. When stress improves function, such as running, lifting weights, solving math problems or working on a koan, it can be considered eustress. Stress which is unresolved and persistent is known as distress. Distress is the type that leads to anxiety and depression. It is important to recognize what type of stress we are experiencing in order to know how to work with it. One may flea from a stressful event without knowing what type it is and in turn missing a chance to build. It's beneficial to continue working on a koan because the outcome is beneficial. Other times we may need to remove ourselves from a job or relationship because it is causing us distress.

Removing ourselves from a distressful situation may not always be the best move for our well being. We must determine if the stress is coming from something real or imagined. Lazurus made a valid argument by stating that in order for a situation to be deemed as stressful, it must be valued as such. This is to say, the object causing distress must be viewed in such a way to condition the distress. This process of appraisal then directs energy to either manging the problem, which would be function energy or managing the emotions which arise from the problem, which is a dysfunctional use of energy. From this we can see the importance in re-evaluating the stressor and directing our energy in a functional way. We must first recognize that we are stressed, then notice our habitual way of coping with the stress and decide if it's having the desired effect. This way of seeing stress can give us the opportunity to go further into examining our view of objects of which we deem the problem. This is where we can develop the wisdom which will grant us freedom form chronic stress.

Distress can accumulate into a constant worry and depression. This type of stressing is an obsession over the stressors and is also the type of stress we are referring to when we talk about relief. At this point we are conscious enough to know that the stress is dysfunctional. When I google stress relief it pulls up over 3 million results. There many effective ways to relax and let go. This is an important part of meditation practice. We must learn to release the tension and enjoy the moment. The Buddha refereed to this as the practice of serenity, but we must understand that this is only half of the practice. Over time the practice of serenity can become very intoxicating and if not balanced with insight can become highly addictive. The practitioner learns to recognize the stressor and abandons it instead of working with it. At this point it can start to develop problems in relationships and jobs and the practice becomes no more beneficial than that of a drug. In extreme conditions we can start to become deeply unconscious which results in attempt to have complete control over the environment and others. This non-violent passive aggressive form of control can be as equally dysfunctional and destructive as an aggressive form of dealing with stress.

The Buddha talks about developing a pair of skills;

Developing a Pair of Skills
Serenity and Insight

"Two things, O monks, partake of true knowledge. What two? Serenity and Insight.
"When serenity is developed, what benefit does one experience? The mind is developed. When the mind is developed, what benefit does one experience? All lust is abandoned.
"When insight is developed, what benefit does one experience? Wisdom is developed. When wisdom is developed, what benefit does one experience? All ignorance is abandoned.
"A mind defiled by lust is not liberated: and wisdom defiled by ignorance is not developed. Thus, monks, through fading away of lust there is liberation of mind: and through fading away of ignorance there is liberation by wisdom."

In the Words of the Buddha, pgs 267-268

Here the Buddha recognized that a discernment of weather to stay and work with the stressor or to let go must be made in each moment. If we get stuck in one mode that there is no freedom at all. From my point of view both of the practices are wide spread and does not belong solely to Buddhism. Mindfulness has gained a great amount of popularity in the U.S. and science has probed into the cellular level of stress. Research Robert Sapolsky's work with Baboons. This can help us on a conceptual level but not fundamentally. We must dive into our own stress directly if we want to develop any wisdom. The reason for this is that we normally experience stress on an external level. We notice the storm but can't see the clouds forming. By the time the storm hits it's time to take cover. The scientific attitude can be turned inward toward our own being. Obsessions are so strong because they have a strong amount of energy invested in them. We need to remove the energy then naturally the obsession will seize. Removing the energy is easy once we see exactly how it is invested. This is why zazen is so important. We give ourselves the time to watch the clouds form over and over until we find the very moment of creation.

Not everyone is ready for the development of Insight. I have ran across many that do not like the frustration and stress that a koan can evoke. This is OK. It is important to be completely honest with ourselves and get want we want out of practice. But eventually must work with a teacher that holds us responsible to the whole self.

The stress epidemic is huge! This is largely due to it being unconscious stress. We don't need to run from our own consciousness. After all it's only us!

The Big Let Down

2010-12-08T04:20:00.000-08:00

All of us come to Zen for our own reasons. Though on the outside our reasons may seem different, we all have some form of suffering we looking to release. When I could no longer blame others for the anger and depression I was carrying, I found Zen. Some may come to the practice in order to develop a skill to deal with stress, which is getting in the way at work. Others may want to control their mind due to the unpleasant thoughts they are experiencing. There are many reasons.

Whatever the reasons, the gut reaction of the ego is to escape from suffering. To the ego, Zen or the practice of mindfulness seems like an excellent method for this escape. Looking at the story of the Buddha we see this promise. The Buddha left his family, his royalty, the protection of the palace life and the luxuries it provided. Sometimes the desire for escape can manifest in a desire to control. We can look at the Zen story of the Ten Ox Herding Pictures. The little boy looks for the ox only in hopes to tame it, to control it, and this appears to be what he does. But what is really going on in these stories? To answer this we must see what the Ox or the Buddha really is.

Normally when we think of an escape from suffering, we think of a serene way of experiencing life. From the outside it may seem this is what Zen or Buddhism is promising. Look at the statue of the Buddha. He is very calm and serene. But Zen isn't always a serene practice. Sometimes zazen can be pretty challenging and frustrating. I think it would be cool to have a double sided Buddha Statue. On one side a be nice and calm Buddha and the other side would show maybe some sweating or maybe the Buddha pulling out his hair. This would more accurately represent real practice. I say this because to many times I talk to people explaining how discontent they are with the non-blissful states of zazen. One person said to me, "Once in awhile I have a Zen moment, but they are few and far between." This just isn't a true understanding of Zen. This perspective is no different than the one he had before he came to the practice. Actually the training of Zen is to work with that perspective directly. We must let go of what we are wanting to happen, what we are wanting to see and just see what's happening. So I ask you, when do Zen moments happen? To answer this we must discover what Zen is really about. We must arrive to the heart of the Buddha.

I am not saying here that there is no freedom from suffering. I am saying that all to often the negative states are confused as suffering. So naturally we try to escape these negative aspects of life. The truth is we also suffer from the positive states of mind. Suffering is very powerful yet subtle. In fact, here comes the let down, in order to understand how suffering actually happens we must get very close to the negative as well as the positive states of mind.

A friend told once, "I haven't been coming to practice lately because I have been really depressed." "Be more depressed," I said. " Be so depressed that you don't even know you are! Be one with depression!" These days we talk a lot about stress and depression. This focus is actually a simultaneous resistance and attachment. When we are stressed out about something there is another part of us that naturally doesn't want to be stressed. This type of focus on stress becomes an obsession. The obsession sustains the stress. In order to be relieved of these heavy emotions we must merge with what ever it is we are stressed out about. This way we stay with the flow of what is happening and we stay engaged with the present.

Shit happens! How profound.

Plunging into the abyss

2010-10-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

Standing at the edge and looking into the abyss is frightening. The body is surged with fear in hopes to motivate a retreat. Why is this? What is it hiding, and where is this fear coming from? Normally I would tighten up and hold on for dear life, but this time was different. I was ready to discover the unknown.

Zen requires us to look deeply into the reality of the present moment. Though it may not always be easy, we must learn to open and accept the present moment for what it truly is. In fact sometimes it can be down right scary. But fear is just one of the defense mechanisms we can face when attempting to be present. We can experience hatred, or doubt, or lust, or even laziness. If we look at the many threats we encounter as humans, as animals, then these emotions all seem necessary. But in zazen, the practice of being present, we see them as hindrances. The closer we look, we begin to see they are moving us away from feeling something. Something we may have been avoiding for awhile now.

In the Open Mind Zen School, one of the methods used to bring us to the present is Zen Dialogue. Zen dialogue is a process of becoming more conscious of the various aspects of the self. In this process we give the different aspects names and voices and one of the voices we dialogue with is the controlling ego. We name the ego as the controller because that's exactly what it wants to do. Though not everyone would want to admit this. The ego would love to have complete control and until we realize this, we have no hope in letting go. See, the ego's controlling nature only really works if it remains a secret. Once the ego awakens to the reality of it not being in control it can then begin to break free of its controlling tendencies. I recently discovered that my tendency to blame was an attempt to shift responsibility. And this was simply because I did not want to experience these certain emotions that were flowing through me at the time. The story of blame and responsibility was just a cover up, a distraction if you will, of something much deeper. This emotion was something I have been hiding for awhile now. So at some time my controller formed. It formed because I felt out of control, and at that time I could not deal with that feeling. The controller was developed in secret and this zen dialogue has given it a chance to tell its story and in doing so, giving my controller the chance to let go.

While I was doing zazen during our retreat at the Osage Forest of Peace this past weekend, I noticed the tendency of tensing up. This would cause a lot of pain after awhile. After some time, watching this pain arise and fade, I began to see that there were times when there was no tension at all. But once I realized this space and flow of energy, I would automatically tighten up. I also noticed a contracting in my chest just before this tension. So I began to work on opening my chest and soon it started to feel as if I was choosing the pain and tension. Along with this space for choice also came a feeling of uncertainty and vulnerability. But the more I moved into the pain it began to change and evaporate. Still this took a great deal of effort. The tightening in my chest was being conditioned by something that was not yet within my awarness.

During retreats with Sensei there is always some time set in the schedule for some alternative methods of practice. On Saturday we had in the schedule some Zen Breathwork. Breathwork is a powerful sustained breathing technique which helps the practitioner experience how energy flows through the body/mind. While I was breathing I noticed the tightness in my chest again. It was restricting my breathing so I decided to put more effort in to the exercise. I would breath harder and deeper. As deep as I could. I began to notice a strong vibration in my body accompanied with heat. Then I started to have these memories of childhood in the form of pictures. Nothing in particular about the memories other than they were of my childhood. The vibration and heat increased. Then I broke into a spontaneous full body cry. I cried like a baby. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. I remember having this sense of freedom, an awareness accompanying the cry. Then with the cue of Sensei I was able to release and relax. I relaxed deeply and my chest was then open and expansive.

With all this I realized that the controlling nature of the ego was an attempt to soften the edge of the reality that control is not possible. A feeling of vulnerability that goes back to infancy. A feeling that I wanted to forget. Something Zen has asked me to remember and merge with. To merge with it so deeply that there is no resistance. When there is no need to control life, there is simply just life and all its wonders. Life is free, so join it. This is how we find freedom.

Tag your it

2010-06-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

I was trying to contact Sensei by phone the other day. When we finally connected after missing each other several times and I said, "Tag your it." "Ha Ha," he chuckled. "Yes.... I am it." I didn't catch it until I hung up the phone, but I was impressed by how he used his Zen.

We may think that Zen is about sitting in full lotus, or about wearing robes and chanting. We may be concerned with karma, reincarnation, or how we as humans suffer. I think all these things are worth looking at, but not without ourselves as the primary focus. If we could boil Zen down to its basic ingredient, what would it be? Zen doesn't exist without me, or without you. To me Zen is just a mirror, showing me that I am it. If I am it, what else is there? Sure we can be "mindful," but do we know it is ourselves that is happening? Can we really use our Zen with precision as Sensei did?

I used to practice Mindfulness as a concept, as a tool to move into a different understanding. When we see it as "Mindfulness," that's just what it is. I think this way of practice is very hard. It is as if we are trying to control the present moment, or at least control ourselves. There is something we are supposed to be doing and in turn something should not do. So eventually we slip into the fantasy of we ought not to do. Then we may say,"Zen is freakin' hard," which is true because we are missing the foundation of Zen. We miss ourselves.

Concepts are not necessarily a problem. They are just something we normal adhere to, so naturally we must learn a new perspective. The imprisonment of our own ideas is a road we really don't want to be on anyway. Have you ever done something or said something and in the back of your mind known this is not right? I know I have. That feeling of not having a way out of my habitual tendencies is what can be understood as Dukkha, or suffering. We suffer in a self made prison. We have not left a single gate open to grant ourselves freedom. Zen can be that gate. A way out of our own hell.

When I sit in Raw Mind ideas still happen, but they're not the only thing happening. The broad awareness of Raw Mind includes all things, even the ego. This is how Raw Mind offers freedom. The freedom to live and die. A friend once said to me, "I am tired of living." Then die, I say. Die and be reborn in each moment. This is true freedom. This is how we can use our Zen. I was reading in The Gateless Barrier about how in ancient China it was the custom for Zen practitioners to greet each other through a challenge of the Dharma. In fact this is how Koans have come into formal Zen practice. Truly, when ever we meet someone the Dharma is challenging us naturally. As I have said before, Everything is a Koan. I think it would cool to see a Zen culture like this develop in America, or at least Tulsa.

For Here, or To Go?

2010-04-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

This is a common question asked in America these days and a common perspective that until now I have overlooked. This insight came to me while ordering a cup of coffee. I would normally say to the Barista, "I would love to drink it here, but I have to go." Instead instantly the words jumped out of my mouth, "I will have a paper cup for here. Cause when I walk out and get in my truck, I will be here." Ha. It was a dumb joke but it's worth considering.

For some reason we all share a perspective, to some degree, which agrees there is somewhere else to be or some other thing to have. Yes we need a home, nice paying job, a reliable car, and other necessities. But I am pointing at the emotional level. The place where our satisfaction, or lack thereof comes from. This is a place where our sense of self resides. This is a place where Awakening needs to occur. The rest of us is already Awake. Big Mind is already present, and the ego or small mind thinks its not.

"Hereing" would be a cool word to add to the English language. Usually we say, "I am going to this place or going to that place." Hereing is something we could do. In fact it's all we're really doing. We just don't pay attention to it most of the time. We are normally focused on what we are getting or where we are going. What percentage of the time are we really aware of being here? For me, the majority of the time I am still caught in the world on the go. This is why we call Zen a practice, a practice of being here and it works. The beauty of it is, every time we practice we can be HERE. So we can practice whenever we want, where ever we want.

I was working on this koan the other day:

The Foreigner Has No Beard

Wakuan said, "Why does the foreigner from the west have no beard?"

Mumon's commentary

Training in Zen has to be real training. Satori has to be real Satori. You have to see the foreigner here clearly yourself; then you actually know him. If however, you talk about "clearly seeing," you have already fallen into dichotomy.

So what is REAL training? What is REAL Satori? This means our understanding must come from reality, from our experience, from here. The foreigner from the west is Bodhidharma, who was always known for his beard. This understanding is not needed to see what the koan is pointing at. I like this koan. One must drop the story of Zen in order to see it. Quite frequently, in Zen and in our daily lives, we get caught up in stories. For example, I am a technician, I have four children and a beautiful wife, etc. Our focus is on concepts, definitions, and our achivements. We may think this is the way towards Satori, but we are just recreating habitual patterns. Zen just becomes manifested as a story into another ego, which is why we cannot do this practice alone. We need a teacher who has realized REAL Satori and a Sangha to support our practice.

I was leading a mindfulness workshop the other day at Tam Bao Buddhist Temple here in Tulsa. In this workshop we voice our experience of the present moment while a partner listens. The idea is to be as least conceptual of what one voicing, and express more of what one is feeling. I like this exercise because it makes us be honest with how we are experiencing the present moment. One participant was using the word "struggling" fairly often. I asked him,"What do mean by struggling?""Well the pain and the tension were causing me to struggle," he said. The word struggling has a suggestion of a subject experiencing an object, in this case pain. Truly struggling is just an idea. It's what we think we are experiencing and not REAL experience.

Learning how to be here is what Zen is about. This practice can be very tricky though and can take years to master. But the beauty is we are always here.

The Nature of Water

2010-03-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

It is said there are three turnings of the wheel of Dharma. The first turn is the Four Noble Truth's. The Second, the teachings on Emptiness. The third is on Buddha Nature. This last truth is my focus for this post.

The nature of the mind is enlightenment. This is like saying the nature of water is clarity. This is an important point for beginners and the experienced. It is important because it sets the tone in our practice. If we bring a mind to the cushion that is seeking something this mind will look for an object from which to find its enlightenment. In essence, the mind is saying, "I am not enough." This may feel right because this is the collective conditioning we face. This voice, is not always a problem. Its the voice that says I need to mow the lawn or to go to work, but getting stuck identifying with this voice is when suffering arises.

I am drinking a cup of coffee this morning while writing. I love coffee. It is a zen practice of mine. I buy the coffee unroasted, green, and roast them myself. Then I brew it in a French Press. For hot water, I use a steel tea pot that I drilled a hole in the top for a thermometer. I heat the water from 198 degrees- 202 degrees, depending on the coffee. I like to experiment. When I drink this coffee, what am I drinking? Its tastes like coffee. But really, I am drinking water mostly, and a little coffee. Maybe only 2% of it is coffee. What are some other ways of experimenting with this cup of coffee so that the cognisance of water is most prevalent? I could look at it. Looks like dirty water. I could touch it. Ouch! Feels like HOT water. I could smell it. Nope, smells like coffee. Mmmmm. I could pour some more into my cup.... sounds like water. What I really would like to do is taste the water instead of coffee. When dealing with coffee its easy. Just pour some water out of the tea pot. What about the mind? What about Buddha Nature? It's a little different with mind then coffee. We are the mind. A mind that thinks it's coffee. Which is only maybe 2% of the truth.

In this case, the ego is the coffee. So, how do we realize we are the water? First it is necessary to believe in our Buddha Nature, but not blindly. Simply use this belief to notice the grasping of objects, which comes from the ego perspective. Then let go of grasping that object. If you can really let go there will be some sort of confusion. This is a good sign. I have had fear come up at this point. If you work diligently, eventually you will be thrown into body consciousness. This is where you can truly see that you are the water. We need to feel the objects resonate within ourselves.

The nature of water is clarity. The nature of mind is enlightenment. Isn't this beautiful!

No Buddha, No Enlightenment

2010-03-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

I was visiting with the Abbot of Tam Bao Buddhist Temple, Thich Duc Tri, here in Tulsa a few years ago. I asked him, "Are you enlightened?" "No Buddha, No Enlightenment", he said. I smiled and just sat there in silence with him a few minutes. His English wasn't very well at the time, but I heard him loud and clear. Zen says all sentient beings have Buddha Nature, an Awakened Nature. Was he contradicting this theory?

I have heard the saying,"If along your path you shall meet the Buddha, kill him!" Though some may take offence to this, it is a profound statement. Putting the Buddha on a pedestal and naming him as this holy object only increases the distance from us seeing our own enlightened nature. The ego wants to understand the Buddha and enlightenment, but this requires us to be separate from it in order to do so. While going through a Big Mind dialogue with my teacher Sensei Al Fusho Rapaport, I was asked to give Big Mind a voice. "I don't know how to speak from Big Mind", I finally said after struggling. "OK, lets stop here. During this retreat I want this to be your koan", he said. After about a day I realized I was trying to see Big Mind while maintaining my ego perspective. Letting go of the ego, is being Big Mind. I was so used to seeing everything through the ego that I had no other option. I was fully identified with the ego.

Controlling our meditation is a way for the ego to understand what is going on. Being aware of controlling is a way for us to know that we are identified with the ego. I hear many say, "I can't get my mind to be quiet. Too many thoughts are going through my mind." "So what is the mind?", I may say. Really what I am asking is, what is the relationship with the mind? Our thinking may slow down while doing zazen, but this is not what we are trying to do. Being aware of our thinking is enough.

Naming is another way for the ego to maintain its object/subject dichotomy. Bringing an all inclusive perspective to the zafu means letting go of naming objects. This means getting down to the bare bones of what mind is. Just experiment with how the name arises instantly, and you'll find a way of letting go of naming. We really need to feel the mind, be the mind. this requires us to be completely honest and accepting with what ever we feel.

There is no Buddha for the ego to understand. There is no ego enlightenment. So if you meet the Buddha, kill him. That is, kill the difference.

Finding freedom in my own skin

2010-01-26T03:59:00.000-08:00

Zen talks about liberation, freedom from suffering, nirvana. This all sounds great, but is it true? If nirvana does exist, then where is it? It seems that all religions talk about something of the nature. Some believe it happens when we die, an after life, while others say it takes life times to achieve. They all talk about some sort of opposing hell as well. I sure have no idea what will happen when I die, let alone if I had another life before this one. I have not come to Zen for the use of a belief system, but to learn how to live, to have a healthy marriage, family, friends, to relate to co-workers, and strangers.

When I first embarked on my spiritual journey at the age of 24, I saw that I was the root of my own reality. I had recently been discharged from the Marines, went through a tech school, and was newly married. Also, I might add, I am a musician and was trying to form a band. Suddenly I found myself truly unhappy, nothing was going right for me. Of course I blamed my wife, bless her heart. I don't know why she put up with me. I also blamed band members, and who ever else. Suddenly I found an interest in religion, and was talking to everyone I knew about it. Some of my co-workers introduced me to Christianity. I must say Jesus is a cool cat. I was really into him, and I became baptized. This baptism was a huge turning point for me. I whole heatedly devoted my life to following the teachings of Jesus. But when I went to bible studies, I realized the church had a different interest in him. Intellectually, I didn't quite know what I was looking for, but I sure felt it. I started searching for a church, and dragging my poor wife along with me. I would go from church to church, looking for what exactly? I don't know. Eventually I left Christianity all together, but the interest I had in Christ was still upon me. Every time I came across a book store, I went inside scanning all the books in the religious section. I found this one book, The Second Coming of Christ, The Resurrection of Christ within you, by Yogananda. A commentary on the four gospels. This book offered a new perspective on the teachings of Jesus. This new perspective spun me in a direction to cultivating a practice of meditation, and eventually Zen. This practice of Zen is what has showed me the ground of which I walk on. It's the only thing that put me in check, got me away from the books, and onto the cushion. This is exactly what I was looking for.

If we let go of all ideas of heaven and hell, or any idea about self and others for that matter, what do we have left? Our flesh and bones, and here is the only place to find it. Freedom is found in every waking moment or forever lost. Any time we adopt some idea of gain or loss, we abandon our true self, and fill ourselves with doubt. It takes practice to see the subtle ways in which we have doubt, but not too much practice. We can get caught up thinking we have something to achieve, therefore think we need to practice for decades to find some great liberation, which requires miles of travel to see. "Enlightenment is just over the horizon, keep going and one day you'll find it, one day you'll earn it"...... NOT! After talking with people about their practice, and reflecting on my own, I have come to a conclusion. It is very easy to use this practice to cultivate self doubt.

The practice of sitting with Koans is very effective in getting rid of self doubt. This is because the answers are found in the present moment, where doubt has no existence. Recently I was working on the koan, "What is the sound of one hand?". "I had to rid myself of doubt", I said to my teacher after answering. "That is what it is always about in one way or another", he said. I worked on the koan, "What is Mu?", for six months. The answer was obvious, but the self doubt I had casted a shadow over it. This is what I had to work through. The practice of Zen is not always peaches and cream, but these barriers must be broken through in order for development to take place. There have also been times when I couldn't answer a koan, because the answer, which was staring at me in the face, was not good enough. I would complicate it, and make it harder on myself. How many times do we do this in our day to day lives?

I was at a coffee shop the other day. One of the Barista's had a cool sleeve tattoo of a very skinny man, meditating. "Who is that man in your tattoo?", I asked. "It is Siddhartha, Buddha", she said. "Oh", I said. "Most people think of Buddha as a fat man", she said. "So what does Buddha look like?", I asked. "Well there was a time when he was skinny, like in my tattoo, but then he became healthier", she said. "Or you could just look in the mirror and tell me what Buddha looks like", I said. She looked at me as if I said something rude. Maybe one day she will see that she truly is a Buddha. I hope this is not the direction in which Buddhism is heading, where we fantasize about the story and never allow it manifest within ourselves. I looked for "Enlightenment", for some time in my practice. It's funny, I kept looking for something, but had no clue as to what it was. I was sure I didn't have it, and I was sure I was not a Buddha. Eventually I learned it is the doubt that needs to be let go of.

To realize our Buddhahood, we need to look in the very flesh and bones we live in everyday. Finding freedom in our own skin is what this practice is about. Giving ourselves the space to breath. Opening up to the ebb and flow that everyday has to offer. How else can we be free from suffering?

Profound Negativity

2010-01-01T08:03:00.000-08:00

The nervous system gathers and process information, for the sole purpose of surviving and multiplying. In doing so the brain devotes more energy towards the awareness of what is negative, due to the fact that, what is negative is essentially a threat. "If I miss the appreciation of this flower, at least I'll be alive for the next one. But if I miss my enemy, it could be fatal. In order for me to create a safe environment, I would have to eliminate and defeat all negative aspects." If we look at nature we can see this truth. A wild animal, when seeing you, does not come up to you and just hang out. It is not compassionate towards you. Even in areas where wild animals are fed by people. These animals are constantly devoting energy in being aware of threats. In a spiritual practice, how does his play out? If we take a look at our human negativity, compared to an animal's, we could definitely see that humans don't just respond to negativity, but seek to eliminate it. We even socialize this obsession, by creating systems of within our communities. The police force, the military, journalism, etc. In fact from my experience, being in the U.S. Marines, the training is all about refining negativity. While I was enlisted in the Marines, we would have inspections, after inspections, after inspections. All to focus, and eliminate the negative. Yes, we need these systems. My point is at the obsessions within these systems, that turn them corrupt.

My question is, why are we so obsessed with the elimination of what's negative? From my view point, suffering doesn't arise from the negative, but from the obsession with it, or the disassociation with it. We think, for some reason, that this negative energy is not being created be us. We blame others for what we see. I think its perfectly fine to be negative. When I can see that it is me creating this negative energy, then I can use it in a healthy way. But if I am in denial, then a shadow covers my negativity and gets out of control, or turns on the auto pilot.
I am a negative person, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. You are too, and I don't care what I think about it either!

When we embark on a spiritual path it can be dangerous, in that we can turn our dogma into a military, that declares war on ourselves and others. I see this in all religions. When we arm our egos with these dualistic beliefs, they cover our minds with a shadow. We hardly awaken, but fall into a deeper sleep. In this day and age, with all the multimedia, the rate in which we take it in, our experience simulates a World War III. We don't recognize that it is our religion that is aiding us in this delusion, because when we visit these institutions, we take in less information by the aid of practices, such as meditation and prayer. So this gives us a deeper trust in the institution, then they go and screw it all up by casting shadows with there dogma.

Ideologies will not aid us in Awakening. What we need is more practice. The practice can help balance out our experiences. We also need to turn the light on in our own minds, and embrace the fullness of what we are. Seeing our negativity, and learning to respond to it in a healthy way, to me, is part of the awakening process.

Bringing the child out of the closet

2009-12-16T04:26:00.000-08:00

In some philosophies there is a line drawn, in relation to the ego. Some suggest the ego is at fault. So from that point on, it's war. But what is at war? The ego becomes at war with itself. This is the problem with a conceptual based practice. A practice of ideas. Which is based on the belief that we don't know the truth. Ultimately, we can not get rid of our problems with some sort of dogma.

Our conditioning runs deep into our subconscious. It is very present in our day to day lives, though we may not always be aware of it. Most of the time we only experience the tip of the ice burg. In each one of us, there is a wounded ego. Out of this wounded ego, we have created a method of survival. A method to cope with our environment. Then we find ourselves as an adult, having habitual tendencies that we don't understand. For me it is as if I took a crying child, put him in a closet and told him to shut up, and forgot about him. I am still in the in the closet. My practice of Zazen has helped me to remember this.

While sitting we have the opportunity to look deeply into our suffering, and see its roots. This takes a certain type of attention. It requires us to be completely honest and accepting to the things that arise in our practice. If we have some sort of idea of what we are going for, or have a very narrow concentration on an object, we will never break the surface. Never see the root of our conditioning. We must have the courage to allow our suffering to flare up to it's full potential, and watch it from a sort of parental point of view. We need to love that child, and allow it to express it's self. We need to give that child the support that it needs. Sometimes I dialogue with the pain that arises. I ask it, "whats going on here?" It doesn't always answer right away, but if I stay present with it, eventually it will answer. At that point I can begin healing that child. This is not always easy. To move into pain, seems unnatural to us. But if we get underneath the pain, we'll find what is actually going on. Usually, from my experience at least, there is an under lying emotion. One that we are not always aware of. When that emotion is discovered, it can trigger a memory. Then we can work with that memory intelligently. Instead of running from it.

Sometimes we may come to a religion, or a spiritual practice, in order to give the ego what it wants. But what the ego wants is not the problem. We need to bring that child out of the closet, and heal it. The ego will follow.

The sent of Samadhi

2009-12-04T18:13:00.001-08:00

"Suppose, friends, a cloth has become soiled and stained, and its owners give it to the laundryman. The laundryman would scour it evenly with cleaning salt, lye, or cow dung, and rinse it in clean water. Even though that cloth would become pure and clean, it would still retain a residual smell of cleaning salt, lye, or cow dung that had not yet vanished. The laundryman would then give it back to the owners. The owners would put it in a sweet-scented chest, and the residual smell of cleaning salt, lye, or cow dung that had not yet vanished would vanish."

Samyutta Nikaya 22:89 Removing the residual conceit "I am"

In the Buddha's Words - Bhikkhu Bodhi pg 405

The three contemplations are Impermanence, Suffering, and Non-Self. Which is being referred to above as the cleansers. Which also become taints. Though they are better than a soiled rag, eventually they must be dropped. The ideas, or sense of self behind the insights that is. But it is not a process that can be skipped either. Seeing the process of an object arising in the mind, discovering the suffering, and the tension wrapped around it. Dropping the resistance/clinging of an object. Allowing it to pass through the mind freely. This all must be done. But according to the Buddha, is not the final destination .

"The owners would put it in a sweet-scented chest, and the residual smell.........would vanish."
What is he pointing at here? Is it not enough to let go of suffering, of ego? At this point of realization there is still a tiny amount of ego here, because there is a sense of "I" in relation to the process. The True Self hasn't been completely seen yet. Where is it? What is it, maybe the better question? Of course it is you, but what is that? This is the purpose of the process. To get to a point to where their ego diminishes, and True Self shines through. The sweet-scented chest is the scent of Samadhi. Samadhi is resting in true self, or as I like to say Raw Mind. It is important to know,"that is me." If its not looked at this way, than that means there is clinging/resistance towards it. Then the scent will vanish, and ego will be dominant.

To me, the phrase "Conceit, I am" is very interesting. When this is how we feel, doubt is dominant. The need to uphold an image of self, is purely built on doubt. Because we're also upholding an image of what we are not, or what we don't want to be, simultaneously. This is how we can recognize the ego. Constant comparison of self, and other. We can also see it in the body. Mental clinging/resistance will always manifest as tension in the body. This is why zazen is said to be a body practice. And why the Buddha said to relax the body during zazen. In Soto Zen it is said that perfect posture is perfect enlightenment. From this perspective we can understand why. When one is not in the body it is impossible to have perfect posture. With that being said. Where, and what is Raw Mind? Maybe you should be hit with a staff!

Only the scent of samadhi will liberate us. The removal of conceit. The removal of doubt.

Under the bodhi tree

2009-11-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

Buddha sat under a tree when he awoke. The story says he made a decision that day. He decided not to allow anything to detour his quest for truth. He said he wouldn't move for anything. The story says he endured many temptations. He decided to face his suffering. After all, how could he find a way to alleviate it, if he wasn't able to see it. No matter how big and frieghtning it became. And it was huge! It was real, and it wasn't giving up so easily.

When we sit, it's no different. You see, that story isn't just there as some fairy tale. For us to see and say, "Oh, how nice for him." It's there to tell us, this is what we need to do. Every time we sit on that cushion, we have the opurtunity to be the Buddha under the bodhi tree. And we won't have any real awakening until we do, face our suffering. If awakening, is what we are after. This is the proposition. Is this what we want? Do we want to take responsibility? Of course it can seem easier to just take up some sort of dogma. To shift the responsibilty to someone else, or some institution. But that comes with a big price. I am not saying we don't need forgivness. We absolutely need it. How else can we face our suffering? But we need to know what we are forgiving. The spiritual path is not embarked on by fearsome beings. Are you brave?

So if at all possible we can be greatful when our sittng becomes difficult. Because we are not hiding anymore. We are awake!

On the edge of sanity

2009-11-12T14:43:00.000-08:00

There is a rapturous quality that arises after sitting for a while. It can be quite intoxicating when the resistance of the refined mind is no longer present. The sound of a bird, the smell of an in scent. The stillness of the body, the space. The tick tock of the clock. The sense of being an emotion, rather than having one. The temperature of the room.

I have become interested in perspective. How we can define what is normal, from our point of view, from how we are used to feeling. And then become comfortable. How we can be used to suffering. See it as normal. Of course until it reaches a climax. I wonder, what is worst? To have suffered deeply, for a period. Or to suffer moderately for a life time. Of course no one wants to suffer deeply. But to go a life time without knowing your true, liberated mind. When it's always at your right hand. Because it's normal! What if, what we considered to be normal is the rawness of our mind? What if we took a look at our mind and stripped away all the additives, all the barriers, all the tension and resistance. And defined that as sanity. Of course all our conditioning is different. From one culture to another, all have their own forms of insanity. All of them have their own ideas of what is normal. But instead of asking what is normal, ask what is raw, what is unborn?

From the normal perspective the raw mind is weak, vulnerable. Which is some what true, but it is the ego that becomes weak. That is, the barriers, and the resistance. What are we so afraid of anyway? Is there a monster out there, we don't want to be? Can we allow for space, for freedom of mind? Though you may not feel afraid, or doubtful. That's because the resistance is in disguise, it is seductive to the intellect. The intellect has fun, and becomes addicted. Becomes obsessive. I think there is a call for complete honesty here. Clean that mirror, and watch it without repression, without self oppression. You might find you see something completely different. Something so strong, and present. You'll find yourself, your sanity. This requires us to show up at everything we do. Our practice is to be extended into all things we do. Formal, and informal. Our real practice isn't meditation. It's doing. But its not always easy to clean that mirror. Its because we can't see the dirt. Well actually we see the dirt, its just been so long since we've seen the mirror. We've come to think of the dirt as the mirror. Thankfully we have teachers out there.

The raw mind is sane. Though from the normal perspective, it may be viewed as insane. But I don't' care about that anymore. I am tired of my suffering.

Thorns in my flesh.

2009-11-05T04:12:00.001-08:00

Who am I? Am I my ideas, and my thoughts? My ideas that tell me what I am, and what I am not? You may say to me. "Well, without my ideas, how would I function in life?" If we take a look at the world in a whole, we'll find it doesn't really function. Chaos, would be the word that more accurately describes it. So during zazen, we get a chance to revisit how functional our own mind is. What is it these ideas, concepts, and stories really do to our own sense of being? Learn how to remove them, and see what happens.

Ideas are like thorns in my flesh. When an object brushes against the thorns, they impede our ability to get a true sense of the object. Instead other things become dominant. The wound, the pain, the resistance to the pain. So we automatically blame the object. We can't see the thorn as the cause. Basically the ideas say, "I am not what I am experiencing". Which make us feel small, and limited. But all experiences take place in the mind. Are we not the mind? How much does the mind wiegh? Well, lets try removing some thorns, some ideas, and see what happens.

When entering the business of removing thorns, we don't want to be unequipped. What we need is a band aid, an anecdote. We need a simple affirmation. An affirmation that says we are EVERYTHING that we encounter. Yes, everything. If this seems to be to much for you, look at it this way. When we have an experience, the basic thing that is happening is just, neurons firing.

Is it possible to remove thorns? I say yes! So let's return to functioning. Let's rest, without chaos.

No where to be found.

2009-11-01T15:55:00.001-08:00

Raw mind is no where to be found. Meaning that if one were to look for it, they would pass it up. This is fundamentally speaking of course. Why would we look for it anyway? We are IT. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. It is our view point of form that we must let go of. The naming, concepts, labeling, and stories. All of this creates an illusion, of a separate existence. A sense of identity. Which can also be seen as resistance, or suffering. But it is not the illusion that causes suffering. It's the belief in the illusion. The illusion can be fun when it is taken lightly. Zen is not about getting rid of the illusion, but working with it.

Here is a story to further explain where I am coming from. When I was on retreat, at the Open Mind Zen Center in Mel Bourne, FL. During the interview time, there is a white noise maker turned on and set outside the interview room. This is so the other practitioners won't be disturbed from the mumbling, due that it is a small center. I was sitting and listening to this noise maker. Examining my experience with it. First my inner dialogue was about the noise maker and its relationship with the the interview room. So I wanted to see if I could drop the story of it. Then I was imagining all the inner workings of it. So I dropped that. Then it was the naming of it. So I wanted to see if I could drop that. As I was chasing my mind looking for a place the naming came from, I realized. I am just creating more motion. So at that time I dropped all that and went into just sensing the noise. And I open up to very blissful experience.

So Raw Mind is really no where to be found, but dropping the ideas that support the belief of finding anything. And there is always plenty of material to work with.

Where does the rain come from?

2009-10-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

Of course all the conceptual answers are obvious. But what if I were to say, the concepts, essentially, are doubt? Why do we feel like we need to categorize the rain? Where it comes from, or where it's going. Can we actually experience the rain, without all of this doubt? If so, we can answer this Koan easily.

The purpose of Koans are, to make us aware of our own conditioning. Then open up to an all inclusive, Raw Mind. All of us are refined in our own significant ways. Being refined will not lead us from suffering, but embed us more deeply. Awakening to our own Karma, then finding our way out, is the purpose of Zen. So when sitting with this Koan, and all other Koans, we are not trying to reach some far out, or more conceptual answer. But see the answer we already know. The answer of course, is rooted in our experience. That is, experience its self.

Zazen is difficult, some may say. OK, I'll bite......Why? Its the refined mind that makes it so. Looking for more, or wanting to abandon sitting all together. As if leaving the zendo is something entirely different, or more satisfying. Sitting without the refined mind, is just a body sitting in a room. That's not difficult at all. Of course it can be difficult at times. A lot of pain, physical and emotional. But it can also be very intoxicating. And hopefully, that blissful state is accompanied by wisdom. For me, that direct knowledge that occurs when on the edge, is the meat of the practice. I have heard some talk about meditation as a tool to reach enlightenment. As if sitting, or a cup of tea, or chanting, or mowing the lawn is not Raw Mind. Putting a goal in front of oneself will only hinder us further.

An Ancient said, "Crushing your bones and dismembering your body would not be sufficient requital, when a single phrase is clearly understood, you leap over hundreds of millions." It's true. But the first answered Koan is not always clearly understood. Good thing there is plenty more. More than the answer, I enjoy the arrival to the answer. If I were to tell you the answer to this koan, you might think its pointless. But arriving, is quite an eye opener.

So I leave you with this. JUST be with the rain, be with it until your sense of self encompasses it. Then you will see it clearly.