Everything is a Koan

I am between gates at this point of my practice. I have finished a list of koans, and am sitting without koans for three months before starting on the Mumonkan. This period has left me to reflect on what the practice of koans really is. I have felt a sense of accomplishment from solving them, and I have had some eye openers. I have acquired a certain way of looking at things in order to answer them. The question is, can I make this skill applicable? Can I see the natural koans arising within each moment?

To work with a koan, one learns to drop the story of it. The story that is evoked from logic, which is based on dualism. In short, the ego perspective. The ego perspective is not wrong, just incomplete, or out of balance. Each one of us has our own story, and this can be quite beautiful. It can also be full of pain and suffering. Even if it is not so bad, comparatively, if left out of balance it is bound for suffering. The reason for this is because the ego is limited, and small. This feeling of limitation leads to the need to be in control. In control of what? In control of reality. Everything has its place, has its role to play. If a shift begins, which always does, then this egocentric perspective is threatened. This is caused by the sense of identity being fixed on a moment in time, of which is gone. We need to allow the ego to pass away and be reborn again in a new light. We must learn to look at things a different way in order for this balance, this awakening to occur. Therefore we have the practice of koans.

The Raw Mind perspective is all inclusive due to the fact that it does not have a fixed sense of self. It is amazing to me, when doing zazen, how the ego is constantly grasping on to each object as it arises, and letting go can be very difficult. I remember when I was working on Mu. One night after a sitting, I went to bed. After being asleep for awhile I suddenly woke up, and the ego had completely let go. Well maybe not completely, but enough for me to truly loose my sense of identity. I was everything that crossed my mind. My sense of self was floating around so fast that I really had no idea who I was. Then this huge feeling of fear came up. I quickly gained "control" of the situation and was able to calm down. Later I discussed this with my teacher. "It was like having an identity crisis", I said. "Zen is the ultimate identity crisis", he said. Eventually I have learned to sort ask the ego permission to let go. After all I do not want to get rid of the ego, just balance out the perspective. This has completely changed the way I sit. It can be very nice. When I hear the clock ticking, I am ticking. The chirping of a bird, I am chirping. There is no need for anything to be any different. There is nothing more to see, and that's the beauty of it. There is truly nothing else to find out. Everything is perfect.


My marriage, my job, friendships, the car I drive, my income, a cup of coffee. These are all koans, I am a koan. They all threaten to cloud me with doubt, yet all are speaking the dharma.
When looked at through the eyes of doubt........ "I want more, or I need less." The Raw Mind just sees. When they're here, they are here. When they are gone, they're gone. No lamentation or lust. Why would you lust after yourself anyway? This is not to say I wouldn't be sad if my wife was gone, but that I don't want anymore from her than she is. I would be sad. I would be so sad that I would be happy being sad. Whats wrong with being sad?

Koans show me what I already have, what I already am. The practice of koans reject all doubt.
Which results in freedom. The freedom to laugh. The freedom to cry. The freedom to love.

One and Two

How often do we find ourselves stuck in a way of perceiving a thing, others or self? Certainly it helps to see the deficiency of my bank account if it motivates my to get to work or ask for that raise I have been long overdue for. Perhaps it also would be beneficial to be content with my financial status if I become obsessed about it. It would even better if we had the freedom to use both sides of the coin when ever we deemed necessary. When I say both sides of the coin I am not secluding myself to my bank account. I am also referring to the way we view the entire universe. And when I say view, I am not meaning an idea or belief. I'm not talking about a fake way of existence. I mean something we can feel, something we can be.



From the moment we are born, the moment we become separate, we long to reconnect to our empty nature, our unborn state, yet we cry and claim our indiviDUALITY. Nothingness is constantly calling for us and yet answering sustains the ego. We may then say that one is not two and two is not one, but this is a misunderstanding. We may go on to say that duality comes from unity or that unity is only possible through duality. Again this is not true understanding.



Here is a Poem from the Mumonkan;



If you understand "it," all things are One.

If you do not, they are different and separate.

If you do not understand "it," all things are One.

If you do, they are different and separate.



It may seem here that the emphasis is on Oneness, but if you look closer it is also about things being different and separate. Be that as it may, what is "it?" In order for the practice of Zen to be worth it's salt. It must manifest into our flesh and bones. We must have the freedom and confidence to embody "it" at all times. This means embracing one and two.



If you have ever witnessed a baby crying you may have notice the freedom in the which she did so. It seems to me that this is the original state of the ego and it is not until later that it learns to be ashamed. Due to our environmental influences, as children, we begin to take doubt in one form or another. This means we deny our ego. We deny our self. This causes us to live, if that's what you want to call it, not in a dualistic state but in a state of insecurity. I am not referring to a healthy type of insecurity, say the type that causes you to wear a seat belt, rather a type that effects the state of being. A fear so strong that you seize to live. It is one thing to have enough fear so that you put on your seat belt, but another to have so much fear that you cannot drive. So the practice of Zen is not to loose fear but to feel confidence in fear. This is when fear flows and transforms. When "it" becomes alive.

I have become very interested in energy. At our Zen and Breath Monthly retreats we incorporate some breath work. Breathing is directly linked to the flow of energy through our bodies. The exercise is very powerful and I get many positive responses from it. I myself have have had very strong experiences from it hence my my interest in "it." Recently I took a Level 1 Reiki class. I have been wanting to see if I can sense my own and others energy in order to work with it on a therapeutic level.

It was an all day attunement as they say. The initial message I got was, Reiki is Love. I thought, "Oh how lovely." During my first attunement I remember trying to feel, trying to sense this Reiki. It was quite interesting trying to sense something that is beyond my senses. But then I thought, "this is no different from my Zen practice." I even said to Ruth the Reiki Master, "this feels like Zen." She didn't understand what I meant. During the second attunement I went into this Samadhi and really felt the presence of love. Then a light went off, "Reiki is Love!" Then I thought, "What is Love?" Its funny now that I think about it. "Energy" or "Reiki" has been this big Koan for me and I didn't even realize it. All this time I have been thinking energy this, reiki that. As if it was something different, or something I need to understand. But I have known it all along."It's" not different at all.

We can give love. We can receive love. And we can be love. Not at separate moments, but with an awareness that integrates them all in the same present moment.

Unconscious Stress Epidemic

If you Google stress you will find 160 million findings. Over two thirds of doctors' visits are stress related. Stress aggravates conditions such as alcoholism, drug abuse, obesity, diabetes, domestic violence, and many more. Inefficiencies in businesses caused by low morale, frequent illnesses, and high employee turnover rate are all costly products of stress. Stress is a simultaneous internal and external attack on humanity's well being, or dhukka, as the Buddha called it. It would safe to say that most of us are suffering from chronic stress. This explains why we experience so much tension and physical pain during zazen.

When we say stress we are referring to a compilation of negative emotions and physical discomfort. We need to understand it more clearly if we are going to work it ourselves. Selye published a model dividing stress into two parts. When stress improves function, such as running, lifting weights, solving math problems or working on a koan, it can be considered eustress. Stress which is unresolved and persistent is known as distress. Distress is the type that leads to anxiety and depression. It is important to recognize what type of stress we are experiencing in order to know how to work with it. One may flea from a stressful event without knowing what type it is and in turn missing a chance to build. It's beneficial to continue working on a koan because the outcome is beneficial. Other times we may need to remove ourselves from a job or relationship because it is causing us distress.

Removing ourselves from a distressful situation may not always be the best move for our well being. We must determine if the stress is coming from something real or imagined. Lazurus made a valid argument by stating that in order for a situation to be deemed as stressful, it must be valued as such. This is to say, the object causing distress must be viewed in such a way to condition the distress. This process of appraisal then directs energy to either manging the problem, which would be function energy or managing the emotions which arise from the problem, which is a dysfunctional use of energy. From this we can see the importance in re-evaluating the stressor and directing our energy in a functional way. We must first recognize that we are stressed, then notice our habitual way of coping with the stress and decide if it's having the desired effect. This way of seeing stress can give us the opportunity to go further into examining our view of objects of which we deem the problem. This is where we can develop the wisdom which will grant us freedom form chronic stress.

Distress can accumulate into a constant worry and depression. This type of stressing is an obsession over the stressors and is also the type of stress we are referring to when we talk about relief. At this point we are conscious enough to know that the stress is dysfunctional. When I google stress relief it pulls up over 3 million results. There many effective ways to relax and let go. This is an important part of meditation practice. We must learn to release the tension and enjoy the moment. The Buddha refereed to this as the practice of serenity, but we must understand that this is only half of the practice. Over time the practice of serenity can become very intoxicating and if not balanced with insight can become highly addictive. The practitioner learns to recognize the stressor and abandons it instead of working with it. At this point it can start to develop problems in relationships and jobs and the practice becomes no more beneficial than that of a drug. In extreme conditions we can start to become deeply unconscious which results in attempt to have complete control over the environment and others. This non-violent passive aggressive form of control can be as equally dysfunctional and destructive as an aggressive form of dealing with stress.

The Buddha talks about developing a pair of skills;

Developing a Pair of Skills
Serenity and Insight

"Two things, O monks, partake of true knowledge. What two? Serenity and Insight.
"When serenity is developed, what benefit does one experience? The mind is developed. When the mind is developed, what benefit does one experience? All lust is abandoned.
"When insight is developed, what benefit does one experience? Wisdom is developed. When wisdom is developed, what benefit does one experience? All ignorance is abandoned.
"A mind defiled by lust is not liberated: and wisdom defiled by ignorance is not developed. Thus, monks, through fading away of lust there is liberation of mind: and through fading away of ignorance there is liberation by wisdom."

In the Words of the Buddha, pgs 267-268

Here the Buddha recognized that a discernment of weather to stay and work with the stressor or to let go must be made in each moment. If we get stuck in one mode that there is no freedom at all. From my point of view both of the practices are wide spread and does not belong solely to Buddhism. Mindfulness has gained a great amount of popularity in the U.S. and science has probed into the cellular level of stress. Research Robert Sapolsky's work with Baboons. This can help us on a conceptual level but not fundamentally. We must dive into our own stress directly if we want to develop any wisdom. The reason for this is that we normally experience stress on an external level. We notice the storm but can't see the clouds forming. By the time the storm hits it's time to take cover. The scientific attitude can be turned inward toward our own being. Obsessions are so strong because they have a strong amount of energy invested in them. We need to remove the energy then naturally the obsession will seize. Removing the energy is easy once we see exactly how it is invested. This is why zazen is so important. We give ourselves the time to watch the clouds form over and over until we find the very moment of creation.

Not everyone is ready for the development of Insight. I have ran across many that do not like the frustration and stress that a koan can evoke. This is OK. It is important to be completely honest with ourselves and get want we want out of practice. But eventually must work with a teacher that holds us responsible to the whole self.

The stress epidemic is huge! This is largely due to it being unconscious stress. We don't need to run from our own consciousness. After all it's only us!

The Big Let Down

All of us come to Zen for our own reasons. Though on the outside our reasons may seem different, we all have some form of suffering we looking to release. When I could no longer blame others for the anger and depression I was carrying, I found Zen. Some may come to the practice in order to develop a skill to deal with stress, which is getting in the way at work. Others may want to control their mind due to the unpleasant thoughts they are experiencing. There are many reasons.

Whatever the reasons, the gut reaction of the ego is to escape from suffering. To the ego, Zen or the practice of mindfulness seems like an excellent method for this escape. Looking at the story of the Buddha we see this promise. The Buddha left his family, his royalty, the protection of the palace life and the luxuries it provided. Sometimes the desire for escape can manifest in a desire to control. We can look at the Zen story of the Ten Ox Herding Pictures. The little boy looks for the ox only in hopes to tame it, to control it, and this appears to be what he does. But what is really going on in these stories? To answer this we must see what the Ox or the Buddha really is.

Normally when we think of an escape from suffering, we think of a serene way of experiencing life. From the outside it may seem this is what Zen or Buddhism is promising. Look at the statue of the Buddha. He is very calm and serene. But Zen isn't always a serene practice. Sometimes zazen can be pretty challenging and frustrating. I think it would be cool to have a double sided Buddha Statue. On one side a be nice and calm Buddha and the other side would show maybe some sweating or maybe the Buddha pulling out his hair. This would more accurately represent real practice. I say this because to many times I talk to people explaining how discontent they are with the non-blissful states of zazen. One person said to me, "Once in awhile I have a Zen moment, but they are few and far between." This just isn't a true understanding of Zen. This perspective is no different than the one he had before he came to the practice. Actually the training of Zen is to work with that perspective directly. We must let go of what we are wanting to happen, what we are wanting to see and just see what's happening. So I ask you, when do Zen moments happen? To answer this we must discover what Zen is really about. We must arrive to the heart of the Buddha.

I am not saying here that there is no freedom from suffering. I am saying that all to often the negative states are confused as suffering. So naturally we try to escape these negative aspects of life. The truth is we also suffer from the positive states of mind. Suffering is very powerful yet subtle. In fact, here comes the let down, in order to understand how suffering actually happens we must get very close to the negative as well as the positive states of mind.

A friend told once, "I haven't been coming to practice lately because I have been really depressed." "Be more depressed," I said. " Be so depressed that you don't even know you are! Be one with depression!" These days we talk a lot about stress and depression. This focus is actually a simultaneous resistance and attachment. When we are stressed out about something there is another part of us that naturally doesn't want to be stressed. This type of focus on stress becomes an obsession. The obsession sustains the stress. In order to be relieved of these heavy emotions we must merge with what ever it is we are stressed out about. This way we stay with the flow of what is happening and we stay engaged with the present.

Shit happens! How profound.

Plunging into the abyss

Standing at the edge and looking into the abyss is frightening. The body is surged with fear in hopes to motivate a retreat. Why is this? What is it hiding, and where is this fear coming from? Normally I would tighten up and hold on for dear life, but this time was different. I was ready to discover the unknown.

Zen requires us to look deeply into the reality of the present moment. Though it may not always be easy, we must learn to open and accept the present moment for what it truly is. In fact sometimes it can be down right scary. But fear is just one of the defense mechanisms we can face when attempting to be present. We can experience hatred, or doubt, or lust, or even laziness. If we look at the many threats we encounter as humans, as animals, then these emotions all seem necessary. But in zazen, the practice of being present, we see them as hindrances. The closer we look, we begin to see they are moving us away from feeling something. Something we may have been avoiding for awhile now.


In the Open Mind Zen School, one of the methods used to bring us to the present is Zen Dialogue. Zen dialogue is a process of becoming more conscious of the various aspects of the self. In this process we give the different aspects names and voices and one of the voices we dialogue with is the controlling ego. We name the ego as the controller because that's exactly what it wants to do. Though not everyone would want to admit this. The ego would love to have complete control and until we realize this, we have no hope in letting go. See, the ego's controlling nature only really works if it remains a secret. Once the ego awakens to the reality of it not being in control it can then begin to break free of its controlling tendencies. I recently discovered that my tendency to blame was an attempt to shift responsibility. And this was simply because I did not want to experience these certain emotions that were flowing through me at the time. The story of blame and responsibility was just a cover up, a distraction if you will, of something much deeper. This emotion was something I have been hiding for awhile now. So at some time my controller formed. It formed because I felt out of control, and at that time I could not deal with that feeling. The controller was developed in secret and this zen dialogue has given it a chance to tell its story and in doing so, giving my controller the chance to let go.


While I was doing zazen during our retreat at the Osage Forest of Peace this past weekend, I noticed the tendency of tensing up. This would cause a lot of pain after awhile. After some time, watching this pain arise and fade, I began to see that there were times when there was no tension at all. But once I realized this space and flow of energy, I would automatically tighten up. I also noticed a contracting in my chest just before this tension. So I began to work on opening my chest and soon it started to feel as if I was choosing the pain and tension. Along with this space for choice also came a feeling of uncertainty and vulnerability. But the more I moved into the pain it began to change and evaporate. Still this took a great deal of effort. The tightening in my chest was being conditioned by something that was not yet within my awarness.


During retreats with Sensei there is always some time set in the schedule for some alternative methods of practice. On Saturday we had in the schedule some Zen Breathwork. Breathwork is a powerful sustained breathing technique which helps the practitioner experience how energy flows through the body/mind. While I was breathing I noticed the tightness in my chest again. It was restricting my breathing so I decided to put more effort in to the exercise. I would breath harder and deeper. As deep as I could. I began to notice a strong vibration in my body accompanied with heat. Then I started to have these memories of childhood in the form of pictures. Nothing in particular about the memories other than they were of my childhood. The vibration and heat increased. Then I broke into a spontaneous full body cry. I cried like a baby. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. I remember having this sense of freedom, an awareness accompanying the cry. Then with the cue of Sensei I was able to release and relax. I relaxed deeply and my chest was then open and expansive.


With all this I realized that the controlling nature of the ego was an attempt to soften the edge of the reality that control is not possible. A feeling of vulnerability that goes back to infancy. A feeling that I wanted to forget. Something Zen has asked me to remember and merge with. To merge with it so deeply that there is no resistance. When there is no need to control life, there is simply just life and all its wonders. Life is free, so join it. This is how we find freedom.

Tag your it

I was trying to contact Sensei by phone the other day. When we finally connected after missing each other several times and I said, "Tag your it." "Ha Ha," he chuckled. "Yes.... I am it." I didn't catch it until I hung up the phone, but I was impressed by how he used his Zen.

We may think that Zen is about sitting in full lotus, or about wearing robes and chanting. We may be concerned with karma, reincarnation, or how we as humans suffer. I think all these things are worth looking at, but not without ourselves as the primary focus. If we could boil Zen down to its basic ingredient, what would it be? Zen doesn't exist without me, or without you. To me Zen is just a mirror, showing me that I am it. If I am it, what else is there? Sure we can be "mindful," but do we know it is ourselves that is happening? Can we really use our Zen with precision as Sensei did?

I used to practice Mindfulness as a concept, as a tool to move into a different understanding. When we see it as "Mindfulness," that's just what it is. I think this way of practice is very hard. It is as if we are trying to control the present moment, or at least control ourselves. There is something we are supposed to be doing and in turn something should not do. So eventually we slip into the fantasy of we ought not to do. Then we may say,"Zen is freakin' hard," which is true because we are missing the foundation of Zen. We miss ourselves.

Concepts are not necessarily a problem. They are just something we normal adhere to, so naturally we must learn a new perspective. The imprisonment of our own ideas is a road we really don't want to be on anyway. Have you ever done something or said something and in the back of your mind known this is not right? I know I have. That feeling of not having a way out of my habitual tendencies is what can be understood as Dukkha, or suffering. We suffer in a self made prison. We have not left a single gate open to grant ourselves freedom. Zen can be that gate. A way out of our own hell.

When I sit in Raw Mind ideas still happen, but they're not the only thing happening. The broad awareness of Raw Mind includes all things, even the ego. This is how Raw Mind offers freedom. The freedom to live and die. A friend once said to me, "I am tired of living." Then die, I say. Die and be reborn in each moment. This is true freedom. This is how we can use our Zen. I was reading in The Gateless Barrier about how in ancient China it was the custom for Zen practitioners to greet each other through a challenge of the Dharma. In fact this is how Koans have come into formal Zen practice. Truly, when ever we meet someone the Dharma is challenging us naturally. As I have said before, Everything is a Koan. I think it would cool to see a Zen culture like this develop in America, or at least Tulsa.

For Here, or To Go?

This is a common question asked in America these days and a common perspective that until now I have overlooked. This insight came to me while ordering a cup of coffee. I would normally say to the Barista, "I would love to drink it here, but I have to go." Instead instantly the words jumped out of my mouth, "I will have a paper cup for here. Cause when I walk out and get in my truck, I will be here." Ha. It was a dumb joke but it's worth considering.

For some reason we all share a perspective, to some degree, which agrees there is somewhere else to be or some other thing to have. Yes we need a home, nice paying job, a reliable car, and other necessities. But I am pointing at the emotional level. The place where our satisfaction, or lack thereof comes from. This is a place where our sense of self resides. This is a place where Awakening needs to occur. The rest of us is already Awake. Big Mind is already present, and the ego or small mind thinks its not.

"Hereing" would be a cool word to add to the English language. Usually we say, "I am going to this place or going to that place." Hereing is something we could do. In fact it's all we're really doing. We just don't pay attention to it most of the time. We are normally focused on what we are getting or where we are going. What percentage of the time are we really aware of being here? For me, the majority of the time I am still caught in the world on the go. This is why we call Zen a practice, a practice of being here and it works. The beauty of it is, every time we practice we can be HERE. So we can practice whenever we want, where ever we want.

I was working on this koan the other day:

The Foreigner Has No Beard

Wakuan said, "Why does the foreigner from the west have no beard?"

Mumon's commentary

Training in Zen has to be real training. Satori has to be real Satori. You have to see the foreigner here clearly yourself; then you actually know him. If however, you talk about "clearly seeing," you have already fallen into dichotomy.

So what is REAL training? What is REAL Satori? This means our understanding must come from reality, from our experience, from here. The foreigner from the west is Bodhidharma, who was always known for his beard. This understanding is not needed to see what the koan is pointing at. I like this koan. One must drop the story of Zen in order to see it. Quite frequently, in Zen and in our daily lives, we get caught up in stories. For example, I am a technician, I have four children and a beautiful wife, etc. Our focus is on concepts, definitions, and our achivements. We may think this is the way towards Satori, but we are just recreating habitual patterns. Zen just becomes manifested as a story into another ego, which is why we cannot do this practice alone. We need a teacher who has realized REAL Satori and a Sangha to support our practice.

I was leading a mindfulness workshop the other day at Tam Bao Buddhist Temple here in Tulsa. In this workshop we voice our experience of the present moment while a partner listens. The idea is to be as least conceptual of what one voicing, and express more of what one is feeling. I like this exercise because it makes us be honest with how we are experiencing the present moment. One participant was using the word "struggling" fairly often. I asked him,"What do mean by struggling?""Well the pain and the tension were causing me to struggle," he said. The word struggling has a suggestion of a subject experiencing an object, in this case pain. Truly struggling is just an idea. It's what we think we are experiencing and not REAL experience.

Learning how to be here is what Zen is about. This practice can be very tricky though and can take years to master. But the beauty is we are always here.